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Maria’s Musings and Advice: Volume I

By on Apr 20, 2016 in Advice, Announcements | 6 comments

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Candle treeDear Readers,

In a quandary? Life got you down? Need some perspective, or to just catch your breath? Check this out: The first edition of my new advice column! I’ll answer questions every week,* so if you’d like to send me one, click here. I look forward to hearing from you, or “for a friend”! 

 

Dear Maria,

In a couple of months my beloved youngest daughter will be graduating from college. Her major was fine arts so it may take her some time to get established and earn an income that will allow her to support herself.  She will most likely be moving back home with her father and I, at least for a while. As that day gets closer I find that I am feeling uneasy about integrating her back into the household.  The idea of nagging my now adult daughter to do the dishes and pick up after herself is not pleasant but I am afraid that we will quickly fall back into our old roles as parent and child. I don’t want to be a nag or a martyr.  What can I do to keep this homecoming a happy one?

Signed,

Mom, not a Maid

Dear Mom,

Ah, the joys of a clean, empty nest! It’s hard to see the offspring fly away, but the calm that follows is delightful. How wise you are to avoid slipping back into old family patterns when she comes home to roost. Congratulations on raising a bright and creative daughter, who has chosen a challenging and rewarding career. So treat her as such. After the homecoming festivities, have a conversation about your expectations for her stay. She is an adult, and will have to negotiate living with others throughout her life—roommates, spouses, travel companions—and will be expected to hold up her end of the deal. Be clear with her about the deal now. Your conversation will model a good way to approach these situations. Start by telling her you’re proud of her, and that you expect her to behave as the accomplished person she is. Holding the highest good for others generally brings out the best in them, and is far more effective than nagging. Let your actions and words communicate how you see her: as an accomplished, capable adult. And, resist the temptation to pick up after her. (As a mother, I tend to do too much for my kids—I think I’m loving them by relieving them of chores. But, as a wise parent once told me: We do our children no favors when we do for them what they can do for themselves.) If her mess gets in your way, call her on it. Refer back to what she agreed to during your talk. Remember: we want our chickadees out of the nest, and a too-comfortable one is hard to leave!

 

Dear Maria,

My challenge is that my husband of 50+ years is showing signs of confusion while driving.  He used to be the expert on directions, but now it seems we are making a lot of U-turns! On our last driving excursion he ran over a curb, changed lanes without a blinker (or left the blinker on for miles), and ran a stop sign.  How the other driver was able to stop in time was a true miracle.

How can I approach him about his driving being questionable? I am quite sure my observations will be a shock to him.  Thank you for your wisdom.

Signed,

SOS from Shotgun

Dear Shotgun,

Hide the keys! Hide your eyes! I understand your reluctance to talk with your husband. He values his independence, and any threat to it will be greeted with resistance and maybe even denial. Find a time to talk frankly with your husband about your concerns, and soon. Your letter is a great place to start the conversation, as you’ve listed several examples of his erratic driving. Is there anyone else in your family, or among your trusted friends, who has witnessed his driving? Perhaps they would be willing to talk with him, too. No matter how he responds, remain calm. Assure him that this conversation needs to take place before the police get involved, or anyone gets hurt. I also recommend sharing your concerns with his doctor. If there are changes in his driving ability, he’s likely affected in other ways, so some testing may be in order. When my own mother faced this situation, part of the process of giving up her keys was consulting her doctor. The doctor wisely replied: “If you’re asking me this question, then it probably is time.”  Your husband might hear the advice of a third, professional party better than from family or friends. In the meantime, try taking the wheel, or riding with friends.

 

Dear Maria,

How do you convince your parents to sell their home and move into a retirement community?

Signed,

SMH at M&D

Dear SMH,

Tough sell. For aging parents, this is a huge change. Not only is it downsizing; it’s admitting a shift toward greater dependence on others. They don’t like to be told what to do, especially by their offspring! Acceptance will come not by trying to convince them, but by leading with your heart. Listen to your parents’ concerns. Behind the arguments you may hear emotions like fear, or sadness. Acknowledge how hard this is for them. Leaving their beloved, comfortable home is a big loss, and they need time to accept and grieve it. Through the process, you’ll feel your own shift towards parenting your parents. This role brings with it difficult conversations and decisions. Be gentle and firm with your parents: gentle in understanding and accepting their feelings, and firm in your guidance as to what’s best. Try not to sell them on the idea, but love them into it. Given time and compassion, they’ll hopefully come to see this as a good change, and welcome the new friends and activities the retirement community will bring.

 

Dear Maria,

I have found myself in a situation in which someone says something either rude or insulting to me. The problem is when I defend my feelings and they respond by saying they were just kidding, now I look like the jerk.  What’s the best way to handle this?

Signed,

I Don’t Get It

Dear Don’t,

Passive aggressive, no? I hate when people do this, though I’ve been guilty of it, too. Humor becomes a weapon when used to mask true feelings or grievances. Rarely does it communicate these issues effectively, and often leaves the target confused and hurt, as you are. It’s a childish way of handling things. You, however, have responded like a grown-up, rather than starting an “I know you are, but what am I?” PeeWee Herman-esque exchange.

It’s not clear to me what role this person holds in your life. If it’s someone you see on occasion, ignore them and their hurtful remarks. “Consider the source” a wise teacher once counseled me. If you’re in an important relationship with them, such as a spouse or close friend, try a one-on-one approach. Instead of confronting them in the moment, ask them to meet for coffee, or write them a letter, and explain your perspective. If they minimize your feelings, what does that say about their relationship with you? Finally, if it’s a boss or coworker who is treating you this way, write down three examples of this behavior and request a meeting. Bring your notes to the meeting, and ask your colleague for a change in behavior in the future. It’s important you have a record of having addressed this issue directly with him or her. If your boss or colleague does not comply, take your concerns to HR if you wish. In all situations, keep your emotions out of it as best you can and critique the behavior, not the person. When you know you’re going to see this person, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself, and remember: what they say or do is really a reflection on how they see themselves. You’re taking good care of yourself. Keep going, even if it means removing this Don Rickles from your life.

 

Dear Maria,

I am a teacher by trade, but presently live in a state where I’m not rewarded for my experience and education. I am mother of a five and six year old, and have been writing for quite a while. I have been published online and have a blog. I need to contribute an income to my family, but when I get stressed, I can’t focus on writing. Advice? How to balance reality of paying bills while pursuing my real interest?

Signed,

Fit to Print

Dear Fit,

All writers share your dilemma!

The most important thing about writing is to keep writing. It’s easy to set it aside to focus on “more important” things, like taking care of a young family. We think we’ll write better if we’re not so stressed. The truth is, writing is part of the process of life. It needs to be a priority and to be attended to on a regular basis. Find a slot of time every day to write, and then fiercely protect that time. You may need to get up a little earlier or stay up later, but the personal gratification will more than compensate.

Next, keep submitting material anywhere you can get published. Being a writer in the internet era is very tough because so much content is free. We end up giving away way more stuff than we would have in the old days of publications with paid advertising. That model has been smashed by the internet…note the decline in newspapers. The good news is that you can communicate directly with your readers. You might try this site: http://www.freedomwithwriting.com/  for paid writing opportunities.

Building your writing gig takes time, and you need some income in the near term. Perhaps part-time opportunities, like substitute teaching, a librarian, or in the field of an avocation, like at a craft store or book store or restaurant could provide some income? Many a writer has worked other jobs while pursuing their craft. I know it’s hard with little children, so your goals don’t have to be too ambitious. The key is to keep at it. My best successes have come through steady attention to my work. When I get discouraged and hide from the world, I lose what momentum I had. Hang in there, and good luck!

 

Thanks for your questions, dear hearts. Send me yours!

*Disclaimer: The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. This column, its author, and the publisher are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation. You, and only you, are completely responsible for your actions. 

6 Comments

  1. Tracey Yokas

    April 20, 2016

    Post a Reply

    This is so great Maria! I am so proud to see you spread your wings in this way and so impressed by your advice to everyone! Wow. What a gift you are giving us, your readers. I especially appreciate what you had to say in the first one for the mom whose daughter will soon be returning home from college. My daughter has not yet left for college and I often find myself following her around the house, cleaning up messes. Hers! Not mine. I put her dishes in the washer and her clothes in the hamper. My husband cleans off her windshield each morning and starts the car to warm up so all she has to do is hop in and drive away. Ugh! Yes. We are loving parents and yes! We need to cut this shit out. You are so right. We as parents cannot do every little thing for our children, it DISables them, not enables them. And your suggestion about establishing expectations ahead of time is spot on. I’m so excited to continue to read what you have to say for us. Thank you for doing this.

    • Maria

      April 21, 2016

      Post a Reply

      Thanks, Tracey! Parenting adult children is a new experience for me, too. That letter hit close to home. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I love how you say, “Yes. We are loving parents and yes! We need to cut this shit out.” Amen, sister!

  2. Sarah Hunter

    April 21, 2016

    Post a Reply

    Hi Maria!
    I love your new column and found it to be insightful, helpful and kind. Thank you for doing this work! I very much love the content of the questions and your wonderful answers. I’m in all of these dilemmas at the moment with my son coming home from college for the summer, husband being a bad driver, aging parents, snarky frenemies, and balancing money and writing. Thank you!

    • Maria

      April 21, 2016

      Post a Reply

      Thanks, Sarah. I too was struck by how I could relate to many of the first questions I received. I think just being able to express frustration or confusion or fear can do so much to dissipate it. And, being able to share ideas on how to handle them, even better. Thanks for reading!

  3. Lisa T

    May 23, 2016

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    Hi Maria,
    This blog is so helpful. I especially like your advice on how to convince an elderly person that they can no longer drive. One afternoon, my Dad mistook the accelerator for the brake and bumped into our basketball goal. Luckily it wasn’t serious, but it woke him up.  After that he agreed that he shouldn’t drive but still scrounged around the house for the keys occassionally. It must be unbelievably difficult to lose the independence we all take for granted through most of our adult lives. Your advice was right on! I hadn’t even thought of going to the doctor for advice. 
    Lisa

    • Maria

      May 23, 2016

      Post a Reply

      Hi, Lisa! Thanks for reading! I agree, it must be so hard to give up that independence. I know it changed my mom’s life, and all the rest of us, because we had to drive her everywhere. 😉

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